Deep Secrets of My Heart

There are times when i feel like people forget that i am human! Like there is an expectation on me to be perfect all the time. *shakes head* I am NOT perfect, i have never been perfect and i will never be perfect... the bar that some have raised is high... i aim for it, i miss. Not just once but every time, in every way! My heart is heavied when i cannot attain this bar. When i dont even feel like i want to attain this bar. Is it wrong to take a moment to do what you want to do instead of what others want to do? It seems like its ok when someone else does it but when its you its wrong? Why is this so? How can it be? I am going to let the world in on a little secret... the mounths of may/june are my HARDEST mounths... they are where i feel the most drained, where i can do for myself what i would like because i have no more gas in my tank~ Perhaps this is selfish of me... perhaps its too much to ask, but it seems that when i dont get this time i crash! God has been stretching me in the most pecular ways.... my gas tank is empty and i am still running! Its funny all that people dont see... how much people dont understand... do they want to understand or see... a lot of times no. They dont see when i am tired, and just need a rest, they dont see that i am weighed down and how its sunken my chest~ They dont see past my smile and my laughter so, they just go on when my heart is laden with snow! I do know why though... why its hard to see past my smile.... its because i ALWAYS have something to smile about, so therefore its genuine... its hard to see that i am at wits end, dangling, ready to let go from exastion! I would take a week like i normally do if i had the time to do so, but the truth is that that time is not there... yes its sad, but my name is Daughter, Princess of the most high! In Him i find my strength and with Him all hope is found, grace is given, freedom all around! I am glad that He can always handle when i am not perfect, that His grace is always there, that His love never leaves me... even when i am lonely and scared! So i appologise if i have let you down and appologise for when i let you down! Geuss what? I am FAR from perfect, i never was, am, or will be! Please remember this... and lend out grace... if anyone needs it, its me! Be blessed, have a great day! Love you all!

Covered. surrounded. emursed in a sea of words. i feel alive. there is vitality and growth all around me. running through this fasted pased river called life. there is no end. stopping is not an option. i seek to find the keys. i come to my bridges and open the gates.

Again, i am brought back to the power of words. Can it explain, deep the touch, stirring inside. One is evaluated and found in want but yet sweet satisfaction holds in place. Blue birds, heighenas, dancing elephants. Brought back to the hunger of that which is unseen, unheard, but known. I place to which i call home!

Hey y'all! I need to stop and take a moment to thank everyone who participated in some way to make my bday special! Most of you know that my birthday is probably my least favorite time of year and that i dont like making a stink over it! That being said i cannot portray my profound appreciation for the kind words that have been said to make this birthday special! Just knowing that you care and took time out of your days to send a card or a little note means the WORLD to me! I had a quiet celebration where i got to spend some quality time with my family... which i always enjoy! Then i went out to the Keg on monday.... steak, medium.... enough said. lol! A coupple of my gifts have left me on cloud nine.... of which i am not going to come down from anytime soon! I even got to see one of my dear friends Dez the other day.... which made me extremely happy... we walked 7 miles! It was worth it cause we went down to the river and back to her house.... and i finally had my first fire and smore of the year! It was great! We found the firewood using the light of our cellphones! lol... it made me happy... then we started the fire! ......we acually blew that one into existance! It was great! Then the last week the Hatters (i used the correct term this time Scott!) came in which automatically made it a great weekend and they will be comming up again in less than a week and a half! (snuggle time with nikki!) ALSO.... i get to house-sit for my sister and brother in law next week which i LOVE doing! May has been a pretty stellar mounth! So here is to being flabergasted! Sorry... this is more of a random update! I love you all and hope y'all have a fantastical week! Be blessed! Schmo over and out!

I have come to the realization that life is lived in the little..... ok, i have had this revelation before but it was reinforced this weekend in more ways than one! It always astounds me how something as small as a smile can make someones day who's down~ or how a little faith and support for someone can stir them on to take a great leap of faith~ how the slightest touch can show how much someone actually cares! It is through these little moments, these life moments, where-to everyone else- it is just a mundane activity like watching a movie or eating supper.... but to me it is irreplaceable, it is where love and life reside.... it shows caring, friendship, vitality, warmth, courage, faith, bravery, integrity.... its the place in which i love~ The words that one says are reinforced by our actions, by the everyday 'mundane' of life! Life is how you see it... where some people see mundane... i see excitment, wonder, mystery... and all through not that much! The other day I was complimented by a friend.... she thanked me for all that i did.... i was appreciative of the compliment, but truthfully, i don't do much!.... for most of my friends, they think i am doing them the favour, but really its the opposite way around! I am so blessed to share in the lives of my friends... to be there in the little moments, those mean THE WORLD to me! So here's to the little moments..... the hugs, smiles, tears, laughter, tracings, talks, silence...to everything! May we never underestimate the little~ So thank you for the little.....Be blessed, i love you all- know that each of you has a special place in my heart!

Sitting silent; pondering my day; contemplating life's miracles; of a genre I cannot say; Waiting, wondering, not knowing what secrets lie ahead; the vast plain that is in front of me; in which I am blindly led; My steps, cautiously bold; knowing, trusting who's there; putting faith in guidance; hoping enough to dare; Leaps, bounds; and suddenly a splash; a new terrane; has now crossed my path; Its cold, wet; emersing my ever being; weeding out my fear; all without me ever seeing; The ground drops; my heart pounds; I am held up; carried through the mounds; Will i give up?; am i strong enough to let go?; my whole being shlumps; my sadness is something only one knows; He sits me up; holds me near; whispering sweet dreams; that drive out the fear