Deep Secrets of My Heart

ok.... before reading this you must think of it in an old english accent... thats soft, breathy in nature to really enjoy it as its meant.... and besides its fun! So here we go...

The absurdity that is one's head.... that is one's heart....
How fickle it must be....how blind to its breathtaking beauty....
...the longing.... the lonely.... pulled between two traps.... one not even so.... the other..... pitiful comfort.... tis a shameful array.....
... feelings tied to beiefs on the contrary.... life, seemingly incomprehensive in the worst of ways.. a pit of warmth of embrace..... those who accompany gawk... staring, rather most intently.... at its dreadful happiness... losing its uttermost function in the process of barely tolerable....the bliss of a miss....
...foolish skantering carcuses flitter about.... their middaystrols, a frivilous task most enjoyable....
... the masks suiting and satisfying to commenors.... discoveries of old mustent be seen or told.... an impertanance.... courtship between love and understanding.... a thing which could not hold any ground.....
why must this be...... silence in a place where life is.... questions..... the infamis IF that so lay before..... in its silence it mocks.... ridicules the permissive in its place.... the impulse flushed away.... yet again with another day...

Labels: Poet

Ok... this is an interactive post! I decided that my posts have been pretty serious of late and i decided to add a dash of fun into it!
Do you ever hear a song and immediatly someones name or face pops into your head? I am definatly a music person and this happens to me quite frequently! I am going to list some songs and then some people and i want you to try and match them! Ready? Here we go!

1. Comfortable- By John Mayer
2. Your the One that i Want- Greace
3. Put it on Me- Ja Rule
4. Popular Decision- Laurell Hubick (she is amazing for those who haven't heard of her!!)
5. Butterfly KIsses- Bob Carlisle
6. BBQ Stain- Tim Mcgraw


A. Jason Downey
B. My sister/ Megs Abbruzzes
C. Robbie Penny
D. Connie Roy
E. Justin Wright
F. Dezy Caloette

Happy matching! Good luck be blessed and have a fun day! Me

Labels: Fun

Driving down the road of life.... so blissfully, innocently sweet... the road perfectly set in my path... there wasn't any bumps, no car wrecks on this road.... this is the road of life...of love...
My vehicle, suddenly out of control, out of my hands really...bashing into my front window...leaving a hole inside...bleeding...bruised....broken....shattered on the ground....
out of the fumbled mess i pick myself back up....scared from the happenings... pulling it together... getting back into the mangled vehicle..... not knowing which direction.....
I start down a road.... running into difference.... into happenings... thinking all the while that this was the way... that it was the road i was to be on.... in my mind it was safe... in my mind it was a road deemed as 'healthy'..... it wasn't.
The view of myself..... the observation of others..... the concept of love.... left mangled and tainted.
the road left my vehicle eventually broken down... left my heart down and out.... finally my vehicle stops.... it cannot take anymore... frusterated and lonely i get out... sit by the side of the road and cry....
i look up.... all i see is light.... feeling my body strengthen, i stand... a path is set to my right... i start towards it... pushing through the trees... pushing past the pain.... discovering things i never knew i had... branches 'round pulling, scrapping viciously.... tearing, being stripped of the filth and rags...
comming out of the journey....seeing my Fathers' face.... feeling fresh and new....full of grace...
a brand new car sits in front of me... I am given the keys... i have the choice... do i trust this road... or do i run back to the old...
how do i know if the vehicle is safe.... how will i know its the right path... i simply don't.
I must choose... do i trust... do i follow.... or head my own way... am i careless and miss what i am to have... or do i stay the direction of course... if i turn, i will end up in the mess again... if i stay the course... i might regain what was ment for me...
As i stare at the car... pondering my choice... my hand is taken, to have and to hold... warm assurance as i bravely take that step...


Journeys are hard... take a moment to ponder.... think of your journey and life, think of the love and direction you are headed... and be love.

There may be a possible part two to this but i am not sure just yet~ Anyway, be blessed and have a great day!

Labels: Ponderings

can you see me?

do you feel... lurking deep inside.....

do you care?

to try beyond the normal calling..... to love even when i am falling

will you be there?

when everyone else fades away.... when all is lost and there is no more bright of day

can you see my tears? do you know my fears?

do you want to care?

or do you choose to see an empty case.... you show no mercy or grace

my call ... no.... your expectation.... set me up to fall

and i now only but shadow and dust..... my love no longer a must

fading.... slipping..... scrunching in..... curled.... covering my wounds..... ashamed of the naked battered.... scared...... to long.... to love...... to be what i am..... simply woman.....
night quickly devours.... the wind sucks dry.... storms brew a deadly gauze .... and still you pass by
a sit here lingering.... wondering if i will ever have what i long for..... perhaps too messed up.... too battered to treat.... not even good enough to seat..... my heart is loss in an endless wish

Labels: Rambles

My life... an empty bliss of glorious crushing....my heart... saddened from the lack
stabbing pains remind me of my greatest fear.... watching from a distance.... shedding tears
the preposterous cycle....draining in and of itself....with longing on the shelf
what i want placed aside.... the task before me swallowing up my very being....my failures all too evident for me to ignore

I sit with my tear stained book....longing..... wanting to cultivate my desires.... but caught in the whirlwind that has so entrapped me
my time is limited.... the visits are short....as it comes to a close.... i face the haunting.... i face the hurting
through it all...i would not change a thing....my heart is left warm from the inflammation scaring.... my hand is left cold
It is better this way.... i have done my part....the role i play no longer needed....and off you go with your heart

perhaps i am too vulnerable....too bare you say....but you left better than you came.... and from that it will never be the same
...as you fade and gently slip away....i turn to see the bright of day.... i stand proud of what you, yourself have become.... and noticed that the cycle has now begun...



We all have cycles in our lives. We all have hearts. This is the good, the saddenned part. Enjoy it... this piece i mean.... if not at least perhaps my heart will be seen.

So lately i have been thinking about support systems~ This is probably due to school in that with every clinical situation that a nurse looks at there is always some aspect of support; whether that be a support group or support from families or you as the nurse lending support through the healing process.

From their i took a joust at my own life and all its happenings... looking at what's healthy and what's not healthy. From this i see 2 extremes: 1) support via friends and 2) support via self-sufficient methods.

Lets take a look at support via friends. Now, i know what some are thinking... friends are good, you want to have supportive friends to help you in your walk. This is true... a wise lady once told me that she can tell who you are by the friends you have.... friends can make a BIG difference in life. The extreme that i am looking at is instead of friends as supports, one uses friends as lifters and carriers. What i mean by this is that sometimes we put all of our weight on our friends, expecting that they can carry us and all of our baggage; expecting that they wont let us down, dissapoint us or hurt us. .... Perhaps our friends can even carry us for a length of time... but eventually they fall or have to let us down due to pure exhaustion! So, in our need we find another person to carry us cause we think we can't walk on our own and we are afraid to let go of the 'grounding' baggadge that we have carried for so long.

If you find yourself the 'weight' in situation one geuss what? You CAN do this... believe it or not you CAN stand on your own! Take care! Their is one that can carry ALL of your weight plus more! His name is Jesus, He is one that will never hurt you, never leave you nor forake you! Yes, its scary to trust in Him, however you will spare alot of lost friendships, hurt and pain if you go to Him! If you find yourself the carrier..... stop. I know you WANT to help your friend and its good to support them (ie. love on em) but its not good for you or your friend for you to be carrying their weight. This does not mean that when they fall that you can't lend a hand (the bible talks about woe is the man who falls and doesn't have anyone to help him up) it doesn't mean that you can't help occationally with carrying a burden to the Lord (anyone recognize that one?), encouraging them, lifting them in prayer. These are all good things... but there is a danger zone when you take the role that only God alone can fill! He does it best! Do you trust that God will take care of your friend that you care for so much? I know... its a tough statement to swallow... Will you love them when they have fallen for the 800th time? Will you be there for them if they react in offense and be able to love them in spite? Tough questions. Sometimes this offense will come accross in anger, like you are doing something wrong, like you have failed them adn should feel horrible for doing so. Please... don't reciprocate this. They are usually reacting because they are hurt, no its not all you. It takes 2 to be in a relationship.... it takes 2 to have a fight or in extreme cases end the friendship. Do not take ALL the blame. However, one must be sensitive to the other, pointing out their faults is not going to do anything, blaming it all on them wont do it either. The Bible talks about turning and offering your other cheek! Right now, they need your love and support more than ever, even though they may not realize or even want it for that matter. Keep going, your words ARE making a difference, be encouraged!

Now, for the next support extreme... can i get a "whoop whoop" for the independants in the house? lol Ok, i admit, alot of times i get stuck in this one... the "i can do it on my own", "i don't want to burden anyone with this", or "I can only rely on God cause He wont ever let me down like people" types. Even Jesus had diciples or a 'support' per say. Now, for those of you saying 'but Jesus only relied on God', yes that is true. I am not saying to that you must rely on people, that would be foolish. However, fellowship is a wonderful thing and it can be tapped into. Where there is light darkness flees.... you see that when you go into a room, you can have the smallest light but where that light shines darkness is not there! It is the same when you bring your burdens into the light. It does not have to be a lonely struggle. Should you expect your friends to be perfect, no. Should you rely on them as your source of healing, no. BUT they do aide the process. Notice how it says in the Bible that where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name there I will also be.... this does not say one... it says 2 or 3. Not saying that God wont meet you where your at, or that their MUST be others involved but it brings a powerful (exponentially) aspect to it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts! I thought i would stop there due to the length of it! It actually is something i would like to speak about one day! Perhaps i will... but for now, i hope that you enjoyed it! Be blessed and have a fantastic day!~